We are in the period of the 3 weeks, about to enter the 9 days. It’s a time for introspection and working on ourselves, striving to do our little bit to rebuild the Beis Hamikdash.
The shidduch process is an easy ride for some people, a nightmare for others, and somewhere in the middle for many. Almost everyone experiences ups and downs, and we hope and pray for successful outcomes.
I would like to offer 10 tips for the dating process, with a focus on bein adam le’chavero:
1. On dates, try hard to smile at the person you are meeting. While you may be nervous, or you feel like it has no potential, it will make the person feel good in your presence, regardless of the outcome.
2. Show interest in the other person – Don’t think “he/she is not for me so I don’t want to get their hopes up”. It is an act of chessed to make a person feel good about themselves, even if you don’t see potential.
3. Ask the person questions about themselves. Both sides can lend a helping hand to the other side to make the date flow and be comfortable.
4. Try to agree to a second date wherever possible. Of course, you should not be forced against your will, but if there is a glimmer of hope, it is derech eretz to try again.
5. Boys should buy drinks and take the girl home, but if the couple have gone out more than three times, it’s is a lovely gesture for the girl to pay.
6. Don’t discuss the people you date with your friends, unless you can manage to totally omit names and details. Many singles get suggested the same people and it can color others’ views of people when they hear snippets about them.
7. Try to be as quick possible to give answers to the shadchan after the date, so as not make the other side wait. However, if you are not sure how to move forward, it’s fine to take time to think. If you do this, I would recommend asking the shadchan to update the other side that you are taking time.
8. When doing research into ideas after receiving a ‘yes’, try to make your research as quick as possible, so that no one is waiting too long for answers.
9. Give feedback to a shadchan about why it didn’t work for you, to help her get a better idea for the other side the next time; but always pre-text the reason for saying no with ‘the positives’ of the person. We can all strengthen ourselves in the halachos of lashon hara to help navigate what we can say and how to say it.
10. Don’t be upset with a shadchan if they don’t come up with ideas – many times this is out of our control - we can think and think but sometimes nothing comes to us! The shidduch process is a prime time for working on emuna - knowing that Hashem is the true Shadchan.
May we all use our wonderful qualities for positive things and merit that the process of shidduchim be healthy and productive.
To learn more about how to successfully navigate the shidduch process, click here for the preview of my webinar: The ABC's of Dating
Best regards and hatzlacha to all of you,